May 4, 2006

落葉松木花精


剛剛接到老闆寄來的信, 頗負盛名的她果然名不虛傳, 洋洋灑灑好幾頁都是一針見血的評語。總的來說, 對我的第一章, 她是滿意的。

「應該」 要大喜的。

但事實是, 溢美之詞所供應的幸福感有限, 短短幾分鐘後, 心情沮喪沉入萬丈深淵。我開始擔心是不是再寫不出第一章的妙語風華; 我甚至在想, 會不會那就是我所能登上的最頂峰了。理智平歇不了完美主義性格施展在情緒上的殺傷力, 整個下午打出的寥寥字句都寫著慌亂。

看來在心理療法的場域裡和自己的廝殺衝撞, 沒能贏, 也許我該來試試落葉松木花精的神奇療效。

捐卵子

常常在校園報紙Daily Trojan上看到許多捐卵子的廣告。廣告之所以引人注意, 當然是它抬出的價錢--$3500至$5000不等, 若是金髮碧眼, 再加上GPA3.0以上, 則更有議價空間。

這些廣告的確讓我很心動。偽善一點的說法是做善事, 幫助有需要的人。實際上是, 反正不捐每個月也是浪費, 而我這輩子生孩子的可能性不大 (就算想當媽媽我也偏向領養), 最重要的是, 貢獻自己身上的資源賺點錢。

不過心動歸心動, 我一直就只是想想而已。 直到最近又陸續收到幾封拒絕信, 我開始認真思考起這個可能性。

三五千塊說多不多, 說少不少, 剛好可以幫我渡過最後這半年 。於是我開始上網找資料。原來, 登載廣告的大多是所謂的仲介業者, 這些業者經常只負責取卵, 並不負責手術之前繁複的檢查過程。補償金得要卵子確定有了需求對象才會支付, 也不是捐了就有。廣告讓人以為是基因決定價錢, 但其實是錯誤印象, 費用給付的邏輯是補償捐助者本身所花的時間和體力, 而非其卵子。目前的行情是五千元左右沒錯, 若說是因為捐助者本身條件特殊給付到一萬元, 則相當少見。通過事前檢查, 確定可以捐助後, 就要開始每天注射催卵針, 如此一來, 正式取卵時才能一次取得約十顆的數量。手術本身的時間不算長, 約一小時左右, 但術後的恢復期會伴隨一些不適, 程度不一, 仍有因併發症死亡的可能性。

對於捐卵子這件事我並沒有太多情感或倫理上的矛盾, 倒是過程本身的複雜性與對身體的介入和干預讓我遲疑。女生的身體, 真的是蠻妙的, 也蠻難搞的。

May 3, 2006

歌集之三






Good Day in Jewel's
Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
(聽歌去)




I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge door wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mine's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, just hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
But still we laugh

I go back upstairs, turn off the TV
You say "I'll be okay baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
Gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
Gonna okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be...